Death and Dreams: Why It’s Okay to Grieve
As little girls we spend our childhood imagining what our future will be like. When will we meet our Prince Charming? Will it be love at first sight? Will he come to our rescue and save us from some tragic, earth shattering event? The courtship, the engagement, all just like the fairy tale she always imagined. Let us not forget the day every little girl dreams of …. her wedding day … this is her day, a moment when all eyes are on her and the crowd is left in awe by her magestic beauty. What a lucky guy he is to get to spend the rest of his life with her, and she with him. She cries as they read their hand written vows to each other, pledging their love for better or worse, for richer or poor, in sickness and in health. The commitment, loyalty, and foundation that a PERFECT marriage is based on. Her very own Happily Ever After has arrived just as she always imagined.
Life gets busy as their little family of 2 begins to grow. There are late nights of crying babies, busy schedules juggling drop offs and parent pick ups, balls games, slumber parties, and so much more. It is a beautiful time but they find themselves drifting further and further apart. With both of them working full time and managing a household of children, bills, groceries, laundry, dinners, activities, there isn’t much time for each other. He craves her attention, but at the end of the day she is too depleted, exhausted, and while a million other thoughts of things she needs to do run through her mind, he feels angry, betrayed, ignored. There is another woman at work. She is young, beautiful, and gives him the attention and affection he has longed for. Feelings develop that he has not felt in years. He feels appreciated, special, important, powerful. He begins working late, not coming home, travelling to meetings “out of town”. His wife’s responsibility begins to increase even more, not only does she work full time, she takes care of everything with the kids, the house, the bills, laundry, yard work. She is too busy to notice how far they have drifted. The more he is gone, the more she has to care for, the more depleted she becomes. They drift further and further apart. The love they once shared has disappeared, they are 2 ships passing in the night. Conversations consist only of bills, activities, and problems.
That’s when it happens, as she is doing his laundry, she empties his pockets and finds a receipt. The receipt is for drinks and dinner at their favorite restaurant. The bill too expensive for a meal for one. How can this be? She was home with the kids, he was away on a last minute business trip …. She starts to look back at all his late hours, all his trips, his new interest in exercising, his change in cologne, his loss of interest in her. How could she have missed it? The next day she drops the kids off at school, and instead of going to work, she follows him. She waits all day, waiting for a glimpse or clue of something, praying it is nothing at all. It is all her imagination. Just as she is getting ready to leave, she sees them. A young vivacious brunette, she’s beautiful, put together, her hair even has bounce when she walks. His arm is draped around her and he leans into kiss her on the mouth …. her worst nightmare has come true. There is another woman and she is perfect. She has an athletic build, her breasts are still sitting where God intended, and her smile is radiant. As she looks down at herself, she is defeated. She has a pooch in her lower abdomen where she once carried her 3 babies, she needs all the push up she can get to put her breasts mid chest, and wait a minute, is that vomit in her hair? Yes, yes it is. Her youngest was sick last night and she was up cleaning her up half the night, too tired to clean herself.
All the time she had invested, and for what? He had moved on and she had been too preoccupied to see what was right in front of her. They tried to make it work. She tried to blame herself. She had been too busy with the kids, she hadn’t given him enough attention. It was never enough though. If it wasn’t the woman at work, it was a woman from the gym, the school, the bar. She was never going to be enough. He was never going to have her trust. She was filled with rage and resentment. She wondered how she would ever move forward ….. but it did.
It is okay friend to grieve the loss of your marriage. It is normal and you will get through it. Regardless of if you are happy about your divorce or completely blind sided by it, you are going to grieve. You are going to move on. You are going to survive.
Stages of Divorce:
- Defiled – to make foul, dirty, or unclean. This is a state of shock and disbelief. It isn’t fair. It hurts. We blame ourselves. We want to forgive. Heck we want to forget. We aren’t quite sure where to go from here. We don’t quite know what we want. We don’t always get a say when our marriage is over. The betrayal of cheating is an emotion that is hard to describe. It is humiliating, devastating, and leaves you feeling like a knife was stabbed in your back…..a couple times. Leaving means starting over, sharing kids, missing spending holidays with them. It’s scary. It’s debilitating at times. Leaving what we know, losing the security we once felt with our partner, and finding a new dream. It is hard and was not the plan when we said “I Do”, but God never gives us more than we can handle. It is okay to feel hurt and lost, he will provide the guidance we need and place help in our path as we are ready to receive it. No one gets married with the intention of getting divorced. Everyone plans on happily ever after. Life is NOT perfect though. Sometimes we are faced with tough choices and decision.
- MAH: Mad as Hell – Get angry friend. Throw something, go outside and scream, take a kick boxing class. GET IT OUT. Use that anger to help you put one foot in front of another and move forward. DO NOT let him win. Do not feel like you are less without him. You deserve better. You gave him your time, your love, your support. You may have been preoccupied with HIS children, with working and managing a household, but it was done in love. Maybe if you had a little more help at home, he would have received more attention. Heck, had he been at home helping, he may not have had the time to think about how much attention he was not getting. He could have all the attention he ever wanted from his children. He did not just cheat on you, he cheated on them. He robbed them of a childhood that consisted of parents who love each other. He chose himself over ya’ll. You have every right to be Mad as Hell.
- Hag – No matter what has happened, we all wonder what we could have done differently? What if we had made more effort? Tried a little harder? Would we still be married? Would we still be a family? Should we reconsider? This process is hard. The fighting, bickering over who gets what, visitation, splitting of retirement accounts. Nobody likes to haggle. It’s SOOOO exhausting! Is this even really worth it? Sure it’s what you wanted, but maybe you need a little reassurance that you are making the right decision. Is this really what is best for your family? DON”T BE A HAG! You re better than this. You deserve better. Do not forget who’s image we come from. Do not forget who has always provided, and NO, it wasn’t your husband. WHEN IN DOUBT, PRAY IT OUT! God will provide the proof, wisdom and guidance you are in desperate need of. Hang in there, friend! Your time is coming!
- Funk- I am the queen of throwing myself a pitty party ya’ll! It does not happen very often, but when it does WATCH OUT … I am a hot mess and then some. I will be in bed with the hallmark channel or a little Law & Order: SVU for days on days on days. Box of tissues please. So before you reach the stage of being in a FUNK, get prepared. You better have some wine readily available, bake a sopapilla cheesecake if you have to, but have a PLAN. This time will pass. You will NOT stay FUNKY forever, I promise. Planning ahead will help you move through this stage quicker. So tell your person to help you put on your big girl panties and GET OUT of the house!
- Acquiescence – Ahhhhh…acceptance. We all get here eventually. We finally reach a place of peace. We figure out how to be okay alone, and maybe even look forward to it a little bit. We learn to love life again. Maybe we even start dating, we meet someone new. We learn to love ourselves again. We learn to be okay when we are at a game with our ex and his new love interest. We learn to smile and mean it. I promise you will get here friend. The sooner you learn to make peace and confront each stage, the sooner it happens. So work you’re way through it.
Friend, if you need a little more help through this difficult time in your life, I have the book just for you! If you think you got this, but you just want to know that someone else’s life has been crazier and more defeating than yours, I have you I promise!
If this article does not change your life, I promise this book will! This girl and her antics crack me up … she will help you find your light and way! We will get through this together friends!
My hair was falling out like a teenage boy takes showers…something needed to change! Every day clumps in the shower, in my hair brush, on my clothes. It was only a matter of time before I was going to be straight up bald. Hair loss vs my sanity … the hair loss was winning 10-1.
I read every article there was about the main causes of hair loss. Nothing seemed to help. After I turned 35 it seemed to get worse. I took advice from my hair dresser, my girlfriends, health care professionals. While none of their suggestions were wrong, they weren’t the right ones for me!
Common Causes for Everyone Except ME:
1. Hormones – OMG hormones, they are the absolute devil. I mean what do they not cause? Acne, Mood Swings, Facial Hair, Weight Gain, Hot Flashes, Hair Loss and so much more! Nature’s little practical joke on you and everyone around you. Too much or too little and the world around us implodes.
I had just had my 5th baby when my hair loss had become significantly more noticeable. In fact it had gotten a little worse with each one, bless their sweet little hearts. Motherhood is the only job that makes total destruction of your body (head to toe) totally worth it, and you actually feel blessed when it is done.
2. Anesthesia – Because why wouldn’t hair loss be your reward for treating yourself to a Mommy Makeover after having your 5th child. Saggy boobs, gone. Loose skin, that hangs like a deflated balloon, gone. Stretch marks, gone, or at the least significantly improved. You are one step closer to that pre-baby bod (MILF status here you come) ……because your current look you were was NOT how God designed you in the first place and why shouldn’t you get to have your body back? As a reward, you will now lose most your hair, because apparently anesthesia causes hair loss (say what?). You will never look as pretty on the outside as you do on the inside…but you were so close, because ladies our hair is one thing, npo matter our age, we are all somewhat shallow about. It matters!
3. Hair Color, Heat From Hair Dryer, Flat Iron, Curling Iron – Guilty of all. I stopped blow drying my hair, it was so thin from the hair loss it was probably close to dry in about 15 minutes. I attempted to gel it and wear it curly …. since parts of it are naturally wavy (or frizzy depending on who you ask). I went dark and quit putting any blonde in it to reduce exposure to harsh chemicals or bleach (getting used to yourself as a dark brunette when you’ve always been blonde…..that’s HARD y’all.) I finally got smart and washed my hair at night, slept with it wet (this adds TONS of volume btw), and touched it up the next morning with a curling iron on low heat.
4. Iron Deficiency/Vitamin Deficiency – Anytime I complained about hair loss or asked for advice, that’s what I heard. You’re probably anemic. You should take biotin. I know a friend of a friend, she took a multivitamin with iron and biotin, her hair now looks fabulous. Fine. I’ll try it. Even though I was never anemic during my pregnancy and I had no other symptoms. I was desperate. I was not about losing any more hair. #notaboutthatlife
The worst part after trying ALL these different measures was Nothing Changed. My hair loss didn’t even slow down. My hair was brittle and falling out by the handfuls.
Now I’m not disagreeing that all these things can affect your hair….because they can. The list of causes of hair loss is never ending! I am happy to share, however, what products really did fix my hair!
How I Beat Hair Loss:
There are 3 main causes of hair loss: Lack of Protein, Thyroid, and Vitamin D. These are no joke y’all. Every. Single. One. I am listing them in order of impact on my hair!
1. Lack of Protein
I should clarify this statement with right type of protein. Sure you may eat a high protein diet (Paleo, Keto, Atkins), but you still lack the nutrition your desperate hair needs. This product saved my life: Collagen Peptide Protein Powder
Y’all there are not words to describe the depths at which this product helped my dry, brittle, dwindling hair. It was sad. Depressing. I am proud to say I am no longer contemplating wearing a wig. Proud mama. Order it NOW. It is tasteless and you will see results within the first month. I put a scoop in my coffee every morning and have for the past year. My hair has remained in the best shape it has been in throughout my adult life …. have I mentioned I am about to be 40?
2. Hypothyroidism
There is a big difference in normal values and optimal values. Just because your levels are “normal” does not mean you are not symptomatic. News Flash: we are not all a textbook!
Most common symptoms of low thyroid: Hair loss, fatigue, dry skin, feeling cold when everyone else is hot, abnormal menstruation, constipation. What is that you say? That sounds just like you? Your labs were normal?
The TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) triggers the thyroid gland to produce 2 hormones: T3 and T4. The thyroid is like the control center that affects every other system in your body. Most healthcare providers only check the TSH. Just because your TSH is “normal” does not mean the thyroid is making enough T3 and T4 …. hence the need for thyroid replacement and vanquishing of all the above symptoms! Yeah you!! Speak up, talk to you provider, and don’t be scared to get a second opinion if ya’ll don’t agree on the symptoms! Back before antidepressants and the sort, a low dose of thyroid medicine was actually used to treat depression. Guess what? People were started on these medications without having to have supporting lab work that fell out of the “normal” range. Are any of us really “normal” any ways?
3. Vitamin D Deficiency
OMG I’m so tired of hearing about all these vitamins and how they will help me (insert eye roll). I have tried them…multivitamins, iron, biotin, etc. This one y’all, this one is different. I promise. This one is in very few food products, and other than supplementation is only received when sunlight strikes the skin. Over the past several years, Vitamin D Deficiency has gained a lot of attention regarding health benefits.
Symptoms of Low Vitamin D include weakness, fatigue, constipation, confusion, hair loss, painful calcium deposits. Sound familiar?
Health Benefits:
- Prevention of osteoporosis
- Reduction in cancers, including but not limited to breast, colon, pancreatic
- Associated with various autoimmune disorders including diabetes, MS, lupus, RA, thyroid/parathyroid disease
- Improvement in mood and energy levels
- Aids in weight loss
- Reduction in overall mortality
Recommended dosing is 5,000 IU of vitamin D3 daily, with optimal lab values being greater than 60. For more information click here.
ods.od.nih.gov/factsheets/VitaminD-HealthProfessional
Do yourself a favor, give these 3 products a chance for one month and see not only how much better your hair looks, but how much better you feel!
Love,
2 sisters
How do you fill the time when you’re stuck in a drab, sterile patient room, waiting to see the doctor. You arrived on time, in fact you were 15 minutes early. You waited in the lobby 30 minutes only to wait in an exam room 30 minutes longer. How in the world do you deal? Is your time not equally as important?
Frustrating as it may be, it’s reality and odds are you complaining or acting like a fool is not going to change a think. It’s a part of life and something none of us cane control, the doctor and his staff included. So instead of being angry, here are some simple tips to get you through!
1. Remain Calm. Try and remember that someone else may be having a much worse day than you are. And while it may seem inconsiderate nobody planned to make you wait on purpose. This was not intentional. Take some slow deep breaths, count backwards from 100, whatever you gotta do to keep your crap together. Most likely there is a perfectly good reason they are behind.
2. Plan Ahead. It is rare that one will actually go to the doctor and not wait. Bring a book, bills you need to pay, balance your check book (if anyone still does that these days), plan an upcoming event/party etc. This is an excellent time to have some quiet time, time to catch up, prepare, reflect on whatever it is you’ve got going on. Enjoy stepping away from the hustle and bustle. Breathe, chill, relax.
3. Don’t schedule too many appointments on one day. Allow enough time to wait. Don’t schedule an appointment an hour later and not allow time for them to be running behind, and don’t forget your drive time. There is absolutely no need for the added stress. If you’re that busy then you need to plan it on a different day or take a long hard look in the mirror. Maybe you’ve taken on too much and need to learn a little about decluttering your life (more on that to come)
Keep it together mama. Try and make the most of the down time that other people may call waiting. This is your time. Time to get organized, time to read, time to even get in a little bit of your favorite bible study! Your day is what you make it, you won’t get a re do. So make the most of it!