Death and Dreams: Why It’s Okay to Grieve
As little girls we spend our childhood imagining what our future will be like. When will we meet our Prince Charming? Will it be love at first sight? Will he come to our rescue and save us from some tragic, earth shattering event? The courtship, the engagement, all just like the fairy tale she always imagined. Let us not forget the day every little girl dreams of …. her wedding day … this is her day, a moment when all eyes are on her and the crowd is left in awe by her magestic beauty. What a lucky guy he is to get to spend the rest of his life with her, and she with him. She cries as they read their hand written vows to each other, pledging their love for better or worse, for richer or poor, in sickness and in health. The commitment, loyalty, and foundation that a PERFECT marriage is based on. Her very own Happily Ever After has arrived just as she always imagined.
Life gets busy as their little family of 2 begins to grow. There are late nights of crying babies, busy schedules juggling drop offs and parent pick ups, balls games, slumber parties, and so much more. It is a beautiful time but they find themselves drifting further and further apart. With both of them working full time and managing a household of children, bills, groceries, laundry, dinners, activities, there isn’t much time for each other. He craves her attention, but at the end of the day she is too depleted, exhausted, and while a million other thoughts of things she needs to do run through her mind, he feels angry, betrayed, ignored. There is another woman at work. She is young, beautiful, and gives him the attention and affection he has longed for. Feelings develop that he has not felt in years. He feels appreciated, special, important, powerful. He begins working late, not coming home, travelling to meetings “out of town”. His wife’s responsibility begins to increase even more, not only does she work full time, she takes care of everything with the kids, the house, the bills, laundry, yard work. She is too busy to notice how far they have drifted. The more he is gone, the more she has to care for, the more depleted she becomes. They drift further and further apart. The love they once shared has disappeared, they are 2 ships passing in the night. Conversations consist only of bills, activities, and problems.
That’s when it happens, as she is doing his laundry, she empties his pockets and finds a receipt. The receipt is for drinks and dinner at their favorite restaurant. The bill too expensive for a meal for one. How can this be? She was home with the kids, he was away on a last minute business trip …. She starts to look back at all his late hours, all his trips, his new interest in exercising, his change in cologne, his loss of interest in her. How could she have missed it? The next day she drops the kids off at school, and instead of going to work, she follows him. She waits all day, waiting for a glimpse or clue of something, praying it is nothing at all. It is all her imagination. Just as she is getting ready to leave, she sees them. A young vivacious brunette, she’s beautiful, put together, her hair even has bounce when she walks. His arm is draped around her and he leans into kiss her on the mouth …. her worst nightmare has come true. There is another woman and she is perfect. She has an athletic build, her breasts are still sitting where God intended, and her smile is radiant. As she looks down at herself, she is defeated. She has a pooch in her lower abdomen where she once carried her 3 babies, she needs all the push up she can get to put her breasts mid chest, and wait a minute, is that vomit in her hair? Yes, yes it is. Her youngest was sick last night and she was up cleaning her up half the night, too tired to clean herself.
All the time she had invested, and for what? He had moved on and she had been too preoccupied to see what was right in front of her. They tried to make it work. She tried to blame herself. She had been too busy with the kids, she hadn’t given him enough attention. It was never enough though. If it wasn’t the woman at work, it was a woman from the gym, the school, the bar. She was never going to be enough. He was never going to have her trust. She was filled with rage and resentment. She wondered how she would ever move forward ….. but it did.
It is okay friend to grieve the loss of your marriage. It is normal and you will get through it. Regardless of if you are happy about your divorce or completely blind sided by it, you are going to grieve. You are going to move on. You are going to survive.
Stages of Divorce:
- Defiled – to make foul, dirty, or unclean. This is a state of shock and disbelief. It isn’t fair. It hurts. We blame ourselves. We want to forgive. Heck we want to forget. We aren’t quite sure where to go from here. We don’t quite know what we want. We don’t always get a say when our marriage is over. The betrayal of cheating is an emotion that is hard to describe. It is humiliating, devastating, and leaves you feeling like a knife was stabbed in your back…..a couple times. Leaving means starting over, sharing kids, missing spending holidays with them. It’s scary. It’s debilitating at times. Leaving what we know, losing the security we once felt with our partner, and finding a new dream. It is hard and was not the plan when we said “I Do”, but God never gives us more than we can handle. It is okay to feel hurt and lost, he will provide the guidance we need and place help in our path as we are ready to receive it. No one gets married with the intention of getting divorced. Everyone plans on happily ever after. Life is NOT perfect though. Sometimes we are faced with tough choices and decision.
- MAH: Mad as Hell – Get angry friend. Throw something, go outside and scream, take a kick boxing class. GET IT OUT. Use that anger to help you put one foot in front of another and move forward. DO NOT let him win. Do not feel like you are less without him. You deserve better. You gave him your time, your love, your support. You may have been preoccupied with HIS children, with working and managing a household, but it was done in love. Maybe if you had a little more help at home, he would have received more attention. Heck, had he been at home helping, he may not have had the time to think about how much attention he was not getting. He could have all the attention he ever wanted from his children. He did not just cheat on you, he cheated on them. He robbed them of a childhood that consisted of parents who love each other. He chose himself over ya’ll. You have every right to be Mad as Hell.
- Hag – No matter what has happened, we all wonder what we could have done differently? What if we had made more effort? Tried a little harder? Would we still be married? Would we still be a family? Should we reconsider? This process is hard. The fighting, bickering over who gets what, visitation, splitting of retirement accounts. Nobody likes to haggle. It’s SOOOO exhausting! Is this even really worth it? Sure it’s what you wanted, but maybe you need a little reassurance that you are making the right decision. Is this really what is best for your family? DON”T BE A HAG! You re better than this. You deserve better. Do not forget who’s image we come from. Do not forget who has always provided, and NO, it wasn’t your husband. WHEN IN DOUBT, PRAY IT OUT! God will provide the proof, wisdom and guidance you are in desperate need of. Hang in there, friend! Your time is coming!
- Funk- I am the queen of throwing myself a pitty party ya’ll! It does not happen very often, but when it does WATCH OUT … I am a hot mess and then some. I will be in bed with the hallmark channel or a little Law & Order: SVU for days on days on days. Box of tissues please. So before you reach the stage of being in a FUNK, get prepared. You better have some wine readily available, bake a sopapilla cheesecake if you have to, but have a PLAN. This time will pass. You will NOT stay FUNKY forever, I promise. Planning ahead will help you move through this stage quicker. So tell your person to help you put on your big girl panties and GET OUT of the house!
- Acquiescence – Ahhhhh…acceptance. We all get here eventually. We finally reach a place of peace. We figure out how to be okay alone, and maybe even look forward to it a little bit. We learn to love life again. Maybe we even start dating, we meet someone new. We learn to love ourselves again. We learn to be okay when we are at a game with our ex and his new love interest. We learn to smile and mean it. I promise you will get here friend. The sooner you learn to make peace and confront each stage, the sooner it happens. So work you’re way through it.
Friend, if you need a little more help through this difficult time in your life, I have the book just for you! If you think you got this, but you just want to know that someone else’s life has been crazier and more defeating than yours, I have you I promise!
If this article does not change your life, I promise this book will! This girl and her antics crack me up … she will help you find your light and way! We will get through this together friends!
So if you’re at all like me, I need a little inspiration from time to time. Sometimes it’s due to a life situation that is completely out of my control, like getting divorced, losing a loved one, losing a job, etc. Other times it is because life is good and I get complacent. I get so complacent that my life spirals out of control. I become disorganized, unmotivated, and find it hard to find my starting point. Since I love to share, I want to share my favorite 3 books that have helped me the most.
You’re Not the First Little Girl to Get a Divorce By Lola Kent
Lola is a new author and I absolutely love her style, her humor, and her twist on coping with life. There is so much I can relate to in this book. It is such an easy read, one minute you’re laughing, and the next you are crying. Partially crying, because you’re laughing so hard. This is so me in my former life. My absolute favorite take away point in this read is learning how to deal with a narcissistic sociopath. Can I get an Amen sister? We have all had them in our lives at some time or another. The sooner you learn to disconnect the better. Let Go and Let God. Hallelujah. I absolutely cannot recommend it enough! It is absolutely fabulous!
Make It Happen By Lara Casey
This book helped me to get back on track, live with intentional purpose, and declutter my life, heart, and mind. She is real. She is honest. She helped me accomplish a goal I never thought possible. One of my absolute favorite principles of this book is “when you respond to people after hours, you are giving them permission to contact you after hours.” Yes! Yes! Yes! How can one sentence be so life changing. Family time must come first ladies, turn off the phone, turn off the computer, and enjoy the people you have sitting in front of you.
Of Mess and Moxie By Jen Hatmaker
For anyone that follows this woman, do I really have to say anything besides Jen Hatmaker ya’ll (mic drop)! She fabulous, witty, and a one of kind. Having 5 kids of my own I can completely relate to every. single. part of this book. What I learned from this book is try your best, forgive yourself often, and build a tribe around you. It is okay to let others help you. It is okay to let you house be messy. We all fail, we all screw up, and we will all get back up tomorrow and do it again. This book had me rolling, particularly the chapter on shopping for a bathing suit. Been there, done that. I can’t recommend this book enough!