Living in a world that allows us to have endless amounts of information at our fingertips can sometimes leave us feeling overwhelmed. Knowing how to navigate as a parent in an education system in which our kids text books are now on their Mac book can be mind blowing for those of that grew up in a time that research was done at the library. In this day and age, our children likely will never know what a library, encyclopedia, or microfilm archive even is.
What happened to the report card?
As a kid, remember that dreaded moment that the report card was sent home in an envelope to be reviewed and signed by your parents. This was exactly how our parents knew how we were performing and behaving in school. There was no online grade book that allowed parents to see upcoming assignments, exams, or missing work.
Blackboard was not available to show what homework was due the next day, we had to actually write it down and plan accordingly. We had to take responsibility for completing our work ourselves. Learning to prepare for that test or quiz by bringing home the proper text book in order to study is an important skill. It is called planning ahead and being prepared.
Parents expected their children to take care of business, and when they failed to do so, consequences existed. How are we benefiting our children by keeping up with their upcoming assignments and tests for them? How are we teaching them responsibility, organization, and preparation when we do it all for them?
What do we expect?
Somehow we expect our children to be ready for college; yet parents are shocked when their child lacks basic study skills, note taking, and organization? A friend of mine checks her child’s grade book, blackboard, or whatever she has available. There are parents still helping their senior in high school study, all while keeping up with their school work. They remind them to study, to turn in or work on an upcoming paper or project, and probably helping them remember basic hygiene.
Let’s be honest, I might be guilty of the last one with my son. He is a freshman in high school. The words teeth and deodorant may possibly continue to come out of my mouth well into adulthood. Boys are gross!
Are We Raising Adults?
My daughter and I attended College New Student Orientation last week. She was able to meet her roommate for the upcoming fall ; this was a great opportunity for them to get to know each other prior to living together in a tiny shoe box of a dorm room. While visiting with her mother regarding the orientation schedule, she pulled out her daughters BINDER she had made her for college. A thick binder full of passwords, maps, scheduled, transcripts, everything she could need for orientation and basically the next year of her life.
Impressive? Totally. I am actually so JEALOUS. If only there was someone to make me a life binder. A complete organizational tool full of color coded tabs, labels, and sections in alphabetical order. Honestly tempted to ask for one myself, I refrained. As I would not want to appear unprepared or like I don’t have my own life in order, which I totally do … NOT. Although I want to, which is half the battle … right?
My binder is like a pile of folders, of different colors, shapes, sizes all stored up in my head. All the information is there, organized in a way that makes sense to me… if I can just find it. 5 seconds of uninterrupted peace and quiet is all that I need to get my life together; then I can pull out whatever information I need.
Doing Our Best
Please remember my 5 kids range from ages 5 to 21, and I work a full time job as a nurse practitioner. I barely have my own life together,much less the time to organize my child’s life. My desk is covered in sticky notes of things to do and follow up on. Basically, I am a train wreck most of the time.
While I’m doing the best I can, I have the same expectation for my children. Perfection is not the expectation by any means, but always trying your hardest is. I used to feel guilty for not being more on top of things, but the longer I’m at his parenting thing, the more I realize that we are not benefiting our children by doing everything for them.
Our job is to prepare them for the future!
As a child, my mom expected us to complete our work, make straight A’s, and stay out of trouble at school. Failing to do so meant you would spend the next 6 weeks at home with her … GROUNDED. She did not keep up with our CRAP. Somehow my sisters and I all turned out to be productive, hard working adults. We are all college graduates, and successful in our current fields.
Help Me, Help You
So I have come to the conclusion that as parents our job is to provide our children with the tools to be successful. We may have to know how to log in to grade book in order to see the 6 week report card. We don’t have to check up on their work throughout the 6 weeks. We can set expectations and when they are not met, consequences will take place. If there is a problem, I expect to hear from the teacher directly in order to discuss it in detail. My personal motto is no news is good news.
My mother always said the “senior year” is God’s way of preparing you for child to head off into the world; in other words, the only tears to be spread are those of joy. Raising teenagers and young adults is not a job for the meek. It takes more strength, courage, and gusto than you ever knew you had. From the first time they drive to the first time they miss curfew, it is scary as a parent to no longer be in control. Letting go is hard, and trusting that the job you did in raising them to make good choices is terrifying.
My second child, as a matter of fact, has given me more gray hairs than I care to admit. I have never looked more forward to a graduation than I have hers. She has had so many absences in 2nd period, she came close to not graduating. Whoever decided to not make seniors have a 1st period has lost their damn mind … and apparently didn’t have 2 working parents in the home. I have a JOB, I don’t have time to babysit my 18 year old and make sure she actually leaves the house! She has tested me like never before this past year and I have failed miserably most every time.
That is the job though. No one ever said it would be easy. We are raising our children to be good, caring, productive human beings. That is the goal anyway. To watch them blaze out into the world with passion and independence, ready to tackle whatever comes their way, is exciting. This means we did our job and did it well, even if they don’t think we had anything to do with it.
A Thankless Job
My 21 year old is home from college this summer, this is a time when we are glad to have our babies all under the same roof, for those days are coming to an end and that part is sad. However, she has been home 2 weeks and all I have heard since her arrival is how much harder she had it than her younger siblings. She apparently raised herself, never had anyone to help her with homework, and we didn’t even have good snacks. What is the world coming to?
When our babies are little, we imagine how every decision we make is going to impact them later. We compare ourselves to every pinterest mom out there, killing ourselves to make sure they have the perfect party, perfect clothing, best treats at their school party. We DO NOT want to screw it up and are sure it will happen. Guess what? We will screw it up. For every 20 good things we do, the 1 screw up is what will be remembered. We are human. We are not perfect … and life is hard ya’ll.
So momma, cut yourself some slack. No one will remember the night you stayed up all night long sewing your little one’s perfect costume. Or that you went to 5 different stores to get the one toy they had to have that year. Instead they will remember the one party you did not make because you had to work. It’s okay, because one day they will be parents, they will be in your shoes, and they will need your encouraging words to remind them of this.
So as your babies enter the world don’t be afraid to set some boundaries. If they want to be treated like adults, then let’s treat them like adults. Let them cover some of their own expenses. Let life be hard without shouldering the responsibility for them. Being responsible is a good thing. Most of us are not accustomed to the “Kardashian Lifestyle”, so let’s not set our kids up for failure by making them think they are.
College: An Education or Party
Remember helping and encouraging your children is so that they can receive an education, allowing them to be able to support themselves in the future.
- Decide what you can reasonably afford to help with. Can you pay tuition and books? How affordable is living cost – can you cover all, half, or none? Will they need loans? Help them know what they will be responsible for and what you can afford.
- Encourage them to apply for scholarship, loans, or grants. Any help is help appreciated and will take the load off both of you.
- Establish a monthly budget to include all costs including car, cell phone, gas, utilities, food. Most kids have no idea how much it costs each month, not including any extras.
- Time to make choices – live on or off campus, meal plan or cook own meals, cost of parking to bring car or is there a bus service, available amenities at dormitory or apartment.
Growing up is hard for everyone, but important as parents to help transition our children into adulting. No matter how hard it is and how much they may dislike having to foot the bill. It’s life and we aren’t doing anyone any favors by doing it all for them. So come on parents, don’t be scared to cut those apron strings, or at least start slowly loosening them … one thread at a time.
Parenting. Keeping a Marriage Together. Being a Working Mom. Keeping Your Priorities Straight. Why is life so hard and confusing at times? Does it really have to be?
As I was getting ready for church this morning, my 6 year old son walked into my room and innocently asked, “Mom, do you think it would be a good idea if I just stayed home and played with my toys?” You see he had over heard his father and I debating whether or not my husband should stay home and finish an outdoor project that he had started 3 weeks prior (and had yet to complete…. suddenly it was a priority). Those little ears are always listening. They learn the most by watching us, in particular our actions, and let us not forget our language. My son stays at an in home daycare while I’m at work. He and several other children were sitting together, connected on Minecraft, when he jumps up and yells, “Are y’all ready to get y’all’s asses whooped?” Now with 3 older siblings, because he’s #4, I’m not willingly taking all the credit …. but you get the point!
Parenting is hard, the pressure from society, the pressure we put on ourselves, it can be suffocating. Those innocent little eyes and ears are watching and soaking in everything we do and say. They are learning how to treat people by watching how we treat others. How they learn to extend grace and forgiveness comes from watching us. It is a big pressure we face as parents that will impact future generations to come. How we prioritize our lives in front of our children matters.
Priorities Please:
I challenge you to take this challenge and ask yourself these questions. It’s never too late to be a better example, to try harder, to be more involved, or to repair any damaged relationships. Our children crave it, no matter how bad we as parents have screwed up.
1. Who’s #1 in your life? If you were to draw a pyramid of priorities who would be at the top? Yourself? Social Media? Work? BeuTelevision? Alcohol? What or who are you putting first? It’s not always easy to put God First. In fact, I’ve always found that when my life is good that is the hardest time to keep him first. Even though I know from personal experience that when I keep him and the desires of his heart first, my life falls into place. I get lazy. I put myself first, my selfish needs, wants, and desires. Friends, this should be one of the easiest challenges we face, but it is one of the hardest. Read your Bible, pray to your God, do your best to keep the desires of his heart first. Your children are watching, they are paying attention. I love, love, love the first 5 app. I use it daily to help me better understand the bible, along with my bible app of course. This allows me to access it on the go and whenever I have some downtime. http://first5.org
2. Love your spouse. It’s not always easy to like your spouse. In fact, there are days I think this might be the hardest task of all. My husband can get under my skin like no one else. There have been times I thought for sure my marriage was over…. giving me 2 failed marriages (insert eye roll). God doesn’t call us to always like our spouses, he calls us to love, respect, and honor them. This is a daily example we should set for our children, even when we don’t feel that way on the inside. As a society we have lost the sanctity of marriage. We place a million other things before our spouse….shopping, social media, friends, work, etc. What an awful feeling for all those “things” to come before you! I get so annoyed when my husband or children yell at me to put my phone down. I immediately get on the defense, ready to point out every time I feel ignored. I think one of the best lessons we can teach our children is to love and respect each other, to put each other first. Our spouse should be right up there below the BIG guy.
3. Discipline Your Children. I love my children, but one thing I know is that God did not put me here to be their friend. Children need to learn rules, structure, and that their actions have consequences. As much as I hated the dreaded 1, 2 … 3, I knew once my mom got to that number my ass was grass. It had meaning…..and often times force behind it. Learning to own your mistakes and suffer the consequences matters. Learning that it’s okay to screw up matters. We all screw up, take our punishment, and guess what? Life goes on. The world will not come to an end. Love your children. Discipline your children. Extend grace and forgiveness to your children, but help them realize their actions affect other people. What they do and how they treat people matters. You ARE the example. If you haven’t read The Five Love Languages of Children you are making life so much harder than it has to be. I strongly recommend it, you can access it here https://www.amazon.com/5-Love-Languages-Children/dp/0802403476
4. Be Involved. Be an active participant in their lives. Show up. Nobody wants to be that kid that didn’t have a parent at their class party, ball game, play, or band concert. Make what they love a priority to you. Sure there are times work or a late meeting may prevent you from getting there, but be there all the other times. Talk to them. Ask them about their day, their friends, their interests? Be active in your community. Help other people and let your children be a part of it. Pick an angel off the angel tree and let them help with the gifts. Help an older neighbor with their yard. Volunteer at a local homeless shelter, habitat for humanity, or an organization that gives to those less fortunate. Show your children how good it feels to help other people. Teach them to be thankful for all they have. Most importantly teach them to be good people.
Let’s Do This!
Life is hard y’all. It is up to us to mold our future generations into kind and caring people. You never know how one small change in our actions can alter the course of someone else’s life.
Be the change. Be the example. Be you.
In a world full of chaos, where social media seems to set the standards for success, be kind. Don’t lose site of who you are and where you are going. Don’t forget what matters most. It’s not the number of likes, followers, or shares you have. It’s the impact you have that is most important. We don’t have to keep up with everyone. We are not going to fall behind. Our kids are not going to fall behind. They will survive not getting on THE select team and NOT playing baseball year round. Heck, they might even still like it by the time they reach high school. Don’t be that parent, the one that spends so much time keeping up with others that you miss the most important part. The age old saying “the older you get, the faster it goes”. So. Much. Truth.
Change the world with one act of kindness at a time.
Parents it’s time to get our priorities straight. It’s never too late to start.
Be The Change.
Mommin’ is Hard. The pressure, the guilt, the fear. No matter how many kids you have , or how long you’ve been at it. We are all in the same boat. We face the same struggles and realities. We are in this together.
Juggling being a mom, wife, and having a career is one of the hardest tasks we will ever face. Worth it? Absolutely. I love being a mom and wife more than just about anything else in this world. My husband and children…those are my people. The ones I live for, the ones I’d give my life for, and the ones that often push me to drink by the end of the day. I have embraced the chaos of having 5 children, and somehow managing to save some of myself for my husband (most days anyhow). The pressure can at times be overwhelming. As if that’s not enough, I love my job. I simply love working. I love taking care of people, feeling productive, and getting to take a break from my people at home and have adult conversation. I don’t want to be just a mom, or a wife, or a health care provider. Not that there’s anything wrong with being any of those things, but I want it all. I want to be all those things and more. I want to be good at all of it. I love my life and I am proud off it. I have been raising children for the past 20 years. During that time I’ve gone through a teen pregnancy, marriage, nursing school, divorce, dating, remarriage, nurse practitioner school, more kids, and managed to work full time in between. Have I managed to do it all perfect? Heck no. I have screwed up and disappointed myself and my family more times than I can count.
Throughout it all, there are a couple of important lessons I have learned and come to terms with:
- Tomorrow is a new day. No matter how bad it seems, or how hopeless you feel, always remember you get to try again. There are such things as second chances, do overs, grace, and forgiveness. None of us are perfect or without fault. Sometimes life is not fair, or we don’t get the answer we want. Sometimes God’s answer for us is NO. We don’t always know the plan, but sometimes when things don’t work out now it is so something bigger can workout later. Never give up friend. Find another way. Tomorrow is a new day.
- Prioritize. Life is all about priorities. While keeping the tiny humans alive is always at the top of the list, having a clean house is sometimes not. The mess will be there tomorrow. There will always be bills to pay, dirty dishes, bathrooms to clean. Now I am not saying to never clean your house, nobody wants to be on the next episode of Hoarders. I’m only saying that we don’t have to get it ALL done on the daily. So relax, do what you can, take care of the important stuff, and get to the rest of it when you can.
- You are one person. We can’t do it all ladies. Somehow we are supposed to get up, get the kids to school, get to work on time, exercise, eat healthy, fix our families a healthy dinner, get homework completed, do the dishes, pick the house up, and still have the energy to screw our husband when it’s all said and done. Seriously. Ain’t nobody go time for that. Refer back to #2. Make a list. Do what you can. I keep a constant list, I have a big list, full of every project I want to accomplish at my house. I have a vague list that includes things like exercising 3x a week, grocery shopping once a week, and usually at least one load of laundry daily. I also have a small list that includes 3 things I will accomplish every day. That way I get to feel productive at the end of every day…which also helps contribute to my husband meeting his daily end goal. Happy wife=Happy life. Can I get an amen?
- Quiet Time. This is the most important time of the day. It does not matter if it is 5 minutes or 30 minutes. Read a devotional, read your bible, listen to worship music. This is your time to refuel yourself. Hand over your anxiety and worry to God. Pray for the people you love and the things you need. Pray for God to direct you where you need to go. Keep your focus on him and him alone, even if it is only for 5 minutes. I usually lock myself in the bathroom and read a devotional and my bible on my phone. That is my time, and it is usually after I get the kids to bed. I have always wanted to have some devotional time in the mornings, before anyone wakes up, to get my mind right before the day starts. I decided years ago, however, that I am not a morning person and finally gave up on the idea. I embraced the evenings as my time of devotion. Sometimes you just have to own who you are.
And this is what I call organized chaos. This is how I have survived thus far. These 4 simple lessons are what helps to relieve me from mom guilt. To forgive myself when I do things like stand at the door and throw everyones belongings into the yard like a psycho, that I’ve only asked them to pick up something like 25,000 times. We are all doing our best. We all feel like we are constantly failing. Remember to love yourself. Love your children. Love your husband. Love God. Always remember to offer grace and forgiveness. Do your best. Each and every day.
With Love,
2 sisters
So if you’re at all like me, I need a little inspiration from time to time. Sometimes it’s due to a life situation that is completely out of my control, like getting divorced, losing a loved one, losing a job, etc. Other times it is because life is good and I get complacent. I get so complacent that my life spirals out of control. I become disorganized, unmotivated, and find it hard to find my starting point. Since I love to share, I want to share my favorite 3 books that have helped me the most.
You’re Not the First Little Girl to Get a Divorce By Lola Kent
Lola is a new author and I absolutely love her style, her humor, and her twist on coping with life. There is so much I can relate to in this book. It is such an easy read, one minute you’re laughing, and the next you are crying. Partially crying, because you’re laughing so hard. This is so me in my former life. My absolute favorite take away point in this read is learning how to deal with a narcissistic sociopath. Can I get an Amen sister? We have all had them in our lives at some time or another. The sooner you learn to disconnect the better. Let Go and Let God. Hallelujah. I absolutely cannot recommend it enough! It is absolutely fabulous!
Make It Happen By Lara Casey
This book helped me to get back on track, live with intentional purpose, and declutter my life, heart, and mind. She is real. She is honest. She helped me accomplish a goal I never thought possible. One of my absolute favorite principles of this book is “when you respond to people after hours, you are giving them permission to contact you after hours.” Yes! Yes! Yes! How can one sentence be so life changing. Family time must come first ladies, turn off the phone, turn off the computer, and enjoy the people you have sitting in front of you.
Of Mess and Moxie By Jen Hatmaker
For anyone that follows this woman, do I really have to say anything besides Jen Hatmaker ya’ll (mic drop)! She fabulous, witty, and a one of kind. Having 5 kids of my own I can completely relate to every. single. part of this book. What I learned from this book is try your best, forgive yourself often, and build a tribe around you. It is okay to let others help you. It is okay to let you house be messy. We all fail, we all screw up, and we will all get back up tomorrow and do it again. This book had me rolling, particularly the chapter on shopping for a bathing suit. Been there, done that. I can’t recommend this book enough!
If your life is at all like ours, you spend your days running from one event to the next, like a chicken with her head cut off. Some days you are so overwhelmed you are suffocating, other days you don’t even know where to begin. That’s where we come in!
We are 2 Texas sisters here to offer advice, tips, and hopefully a whole lot of laughter. Being a mom of 5, with children ranging from 4 to 20, and working full time as a family nurse practitioner, I totally understand living in chaos. Some days you just have to do your best to survive, and that is a victory in itself. My sister has been in a variety of fields in education, she has 2 children, 6 months and 4 years old, and manages to run an online clothing store as well.
Together we feel confident that our life experience will provide comfort when you feel as though you are all alone, knowledge to help you grow, and support to be the best mother, wife, and friend possible. It is our hope that you love our blog and share it with the rest of the world!
With Love,
Your Favorite Sisters